The Dean is In: Love Sick

Over the past week, you may have noticed your friends and colleagues more on edge than normal. They are frustrated, nervous and broke. You ask them if they have plans for the forthcoming weekend, and they look at you like you are insane.

The cause of their ailment – the Big VD.

The Big VD is a disease that runs rampant throughout couples this time of year. Symptoms include continuously asking everyone about restaurants, a glazed look in their eyes and being easily distracted by anything heart-shaped or shiny.

Not only does the Big VD affect couples, but it can be worse on those that are single. Chocolate consumption, sappy movies and a bottle of peppermint schnapps are just a few warning signs that you may be infected.

Luckily I have come up with a cure. Rather than sitting home this Saturday night when symptoms of the Big VD are at their most intense, head out to one of these events in town.

Escape Java Joint has a plethora of entertainment for single suffers. The fun starts at 6 p.m. with chocolate tasting – the antidote of choice for many. Speed dating starts at 7 p.m. and provides a chance to find a partner to enjoy the move “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask,” which starts at 7:30 p.m.

Music is another therapy recommendation. Motley Crue is the one that makes ya feel alright. Let them sooth your soul, just take their hand. The Dr.’s and their colleagues play Alliant Energy Center starting at 6:30 p.m. However, be warned – if you hang out with the opening band The Last Vegas, there is a chance you might end up with a disease worse than the Big VD.

While I am not a Doctor (although I play one on the Internet), my recommendation is to head to Crystal Corner for the Marcus King and Thee Royalty (starts at 9p.m.). The band describes themselves as: “…a truly magical combination of musicians all banding together to present a soul experience not seen since 1973.”

This aural treatment is perfect for many reasons. It provides sufferers with an opportunity to dance. Not only dance, but party with other Big VD sufferers in a supportive atmosphere. Should the need arise, it also provides a chance to escape with a member of the opposite sex (or same, whatever works) to continue therapy.

So turn off your copy of “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist.” Put down that pint of Haagen Das. Throw on your dancing shoes and join me for some group therapy this Saturday. Suffering has never been this much fun.

Girlfriend

He pulled the car off the dirt road, onto a trail used mostly by tractors during the harvest.  The eyes of several deer in the field shined in his headlights before he killed the engine and extinguished the glow.  Neither James no Lisa wanted to draw added attention to the periodic passer by.  The deer were happy to return to their grazing.

As pair of teenagers feverishly embraced, James clicked on the radio.  This was the fifth real date for the two, and the first unsupervised.  Sure, they had privacy watching movies in his parent’s basement, but the possibility of someone walking down at any time provides limits.

James raised the armrest to allow further contact.  The hand-me-down ‘91 Plymouth he received for his 16 birthday was perfect for illicit behavior. Plus it had its own sense of style.  The red upholstered seats were more comfortable than the leather in his parent’s new car.  The fake plastic wood interior had screamed class in its time.  It had power windows, cruise control and a decent sound system; everything he could want.

When he inherited the car, his only complaint was the lack of a CD player.  He changed his tune once he found the antique tape collection in the trunk.  There was something there for every mood, a new discovery a day.

A week earlier James had never heard of Matthew Sweet.  However, the album “Girlfriend” caught his eye as he planed for this night.  For James, the fifth date comprised more than fooling around unsupervised.  James planed to ask the big question – to move beyond just the normal hanging out with a girl.  He planed to ask Lisa to be his exclusively before the night was over.

The tape lived in the deck the entire week as he planned every detail of tonight. He knew Lisa well enough to know what would catch her ear and what she would ignore.  He learned every song and their order.  He knew exactly where to start the tape – in the middle of ‘Does She Talk’ – to yield maxim results.  To her it would seem inconsequential, but that was part of his plan.

‘Holy War’ and ‘Nothing Lasts’ were mostly ignored by the couple before the auto-reverse kicked in.  They were midway through “Divine Intervention” before they surfaced for air.  James decided this was the perfect time to start the conversation.

The pair discussed their classes and school as  “I’ve Been Waiting” began to play.  As the song danced through the speakers, James began to perspire slightly.  ‘Girlfriend’ and the moment of truth was coming quick.  Everything was going as planned but her response still scared him.  This would be the first time he asked a girl to go steady, and the results  confused and worried him.  Still, the moment of truth was seconds away.

The fade in of the electric guitar caught Lisa’s ear without prodding.  By the time Matthew Sweet’s lyrics poured through the speakers, she was entranced by the song.  As she realized what the song was about, she turned to Jake with a smile.

A question.  An answer.

A smile.

Love Acquired.

Paris — In business news, True Love — which has been around seemingly forever — was acquired in a hostile takeover by Pleasure Incorporated.  A spokesman for the American-based Pleasure Inc. said “True Love has had a good run at the top.  Hell, for a while they had a monopoly on the relationship market, but now it’s out time.”

True Love has dominated the romance industry for millennia.  However, over the past century, Pleasure Inc. has made a strong run at the top spot.  With such wildly successful programs as Casual Sex, Porn, Fuck Buddies and Divorce, Pleasure Inc. fostered a new way of thinking in America, which soon spread around the world.

“As more people jumped on our bandwagon from the True Love side, we were able to continue our groundbreaking researching and come up with even more programs such as The Threesome, Drunken Hookups, and Domination.  Many young people weren’t interested in in the same romance programs their parents had.  We were able to provide them with options.”

But youth was not the only demographic buying Pleasure Inc. products.  Before today’s takeover, Pleasure Inc. had reached a projected 85 percent saturation of the market.  Most of the remaining clients of True Love were the elderly, dreamers, song writers and poets.  “It was a natural progression for people to move to Pleasure Inc. ”

When asked what Pleasure Inc. planned to do with its new acquisition, the spokesman explained they wanted to keep the name and assets, but redefine Love to work better with their existing programs.  When asked if their changes would destroy the original concepts behind True Love, the spokesman refused to comment.

“We’ll see true love working initially hand-in-hand with our Lust program, making them synonymous  with one another.  From there, the possibilities are limitless.”  The spokesman continued: “Most people didn’t even realize True Love wasn’t already part of Pleasure Inc, so the transition should be simple for most consumers.”

“In the end, this takeover will benefit most involved.  Pleasure Inc. has the ability to give people what they want when they want it; without all the work that’s involved with the True Love Program.”

Officials from True Love refused to comment, but in private conversation with investors they expressed True Love was very disappointed in the takeover.  They also thanked their investors for believing in them when they were up against the ropes, and it was no longer fashionable to believe in True Love.

The Conversation

“It’s one of those things that needs to be done,” Matt stated as sipped his plain black coffee from the paper cup.  Somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered how much waste these damn cups produce in a year, but that was a concept to discuss later.  “I imagine you would tell me to do nothing, just sit on my hands and wait.”

“I wouldn’t say do nothing,” responded Mindy.  Her straw penetrated the chocolate and whipped cream atop her frosty beverage as she took her initial sip.  “I just think you are looking at it the wrong way.”

She set her plastic domed cup on the composite wood table.  “Seriously, you and Jill were only together for about a month.  One month.  I know your world is kinda rocked right now, but this just sounds stupid.”

The brown and orange walls of the chain coffee shop were inhabited by new wave furniture and decor to provide a repetitive and soulless venue.  The pop-esque but ignorable music was available at the counter for the fool that might have an extra Jackson burning a hole in their pocket.

An unreasonably warm February weekend brought many from hibernation.  Most of the people popping through the doors grabbed their chai latte’s and headed outside to enjoy the sunshine.  Matt and Mindy were the exception.  The two friends were huddled in a pair of couches crammed in the corner in the back of the shop.  This strategic placement meant the bare number of passersby would catch a glimpse of their conversation.

“Look, I didn’t want to date in the first place,” said Matt.  “I wasn’t planning to date again until summer; once I finished my dissertation.  But you and everyone else said I would be stupid to pass up a girl like Jill, and that I should make my move.  Well I did, and now I have to deal with the aftermath.”

Mindy laughed.  “Yeah, we really had to twist your arm to get you to date Jill.  I think my exact quote was ‘she seems nice.’”

“Be fair,” Matt interrupted her.  “You also said ‘go for it.’”

“You got me.  I’m completely behind masterminding this failed relationship,” said Mindy with a smile.  “You should learn to be more careful around me.”

“I will in the future, that’s for sure,” exclaimed Matt trying to keep a straight face.  “You married people aren’t happy unless everyone else is coupled up like you.”

“Untrue!  Wait, we’re getting off topic like usual.  This isn’t about me and my bliss-filled marriage.  This is about you and how you just told me despite your need to finish your dissertation, you now plan to try and pick up a new woman to replace Jill.”

“Have to,” said Matt.  Mindy could tell by the tone of his voice he was dead serious.

“But why don’t you just wait the three months until you’re finished with school and then try to find someone.”

“Because I will see Jill again in over the next three months.  I’ve started the dating cycle with her, and now it continues until I break up with someone or move to a new town.”

“You’re insane,” Jill laughed nervously.   She had known Matt for a lifetime and knew he was serious.

“Look, you’ve been married for six years, you forget how the game works.  Let me give you a refresher course.  She rejected me.  That means she currently holds the upper hand in the relationship.”

“What relationship,” asked Mindy?  You’re broken up now, the relationship is over.”

“Relationships never end.  I’ve already seen Jill twice since we broke up.  Even in a city this size, you continue to see the same people.  We were together because we liked most of the same things.  You don’t think I’ll see her around campus or at concerts?”

Matt did not give Mindy a chance to respond.  “So now the cycle has started.  I’ve already seen her once with another guy.  She has a double advantage.  That’s why I need to find someone new.  To prove to her that I don’t still need her or think of her.”

“You don’t think she’ll see through that?  That you are dating someone just to get over her?”

Matt slowly brought the coffee cup to his lips and took a sip before responding.  “That’s why it’s so important to find the right replacement woman.”

“Oh dear God,” exclaimed Mindy.  “Why do I have a very bad feeling about this?”

“Because you know me too well,” said Matt with a smile.

“You have someone already in mind, don’t you?  Who is she?”

“Not a specific person, but a general idea.”  Matt took another sip of his coffee to build suspense.  “A woman who excels in all the areas that Jill does not.”

“You’re horrible,” Mindy said disgusted.  “Why am I friends with you?”

“Because you’re married and need someone to live vicariously through now that your life is boring.”

Mindy nodded slightly in agreement.  She hated that he was right.

“Hear me out,” said Matt.  “So I now have to find a woman that exemplifies all of Jill’s lesser qualities.  Jill was a small redhead, extremely skinny with no rack, really into art and music, and carefree about how she dresses, right?”

Mindy was unstirred.

“So, now I find a taller blonde with ample…tracks of land, that is a math or science nerd and into fashion.  That should exercise the demons.”

“Why do I have a feeling we’ll be back here in another two months and you’ll be plotting to find a fat brunette that wears shirts that are too small, and is really into politics?”

Matt ignored the question.  “See, this way when I run into Jill while out and introduce her to my new girlfriend, she be so concerned over her own neurosis that she’ll no longer have in control of the relationship.”

“You are pure evil.”  Mindy could see the smirk on Matt’s face through the white paper cup.

Mindy sat up in her chair.  “Ok, I’ve listened to your plan, and I still contend it complete bullshit.  Yes you’re having issues with being dumped, but you are going about this completely the wrong way.

“Love is something that needs to be pure.  You can’t wake up one day and say ‘I’m going to fall in love today, and she will be X, Y, and Z.’  It just doesn’t work that way.”

“Always the romantic,” said Matt.  “Who says I’m looking for love anyway?”

“The same rules apply to sex or whatever it is you’re talking about.  When you look for love or sex, that is when you find problems.  It’s not like you can go down to the grocery store and pick up what you need, pay the cashier and walk out.”

Matt smiled.

“Ok, you can, but those are called whores,” said Mindy.  “Love happens, it can’t be forced.  That’s what makes it so wonderful.  You weren’t ‘ready’ to be in a relationship with Jill, but you found one nonetheless.  That’s the epitome of love or at least lust.

Mindy was on a roll.  “When you try to force it, you end up dating psycho women that are way too into you.  To continue making the point, you keep dating them until you become blind to all the initial warning signs.  Before long, you’re marrying a woman you swore you only planned to use as a rebound and five years later you’re getting a divorce, wondering what went wrong.  The truth is, there was nothing right about the relationship to start with.”

Matt looked at Mindy with a puzzled look.  “Everything going ok between you and Jeff, hon?”

“It still feels like the honeymoon,” she said with a smile.  “Our relationship is wonderful because it happened naturally.  We fight occasionally, but we always make up the same day.  That’s what happens when you’re with someone you truly love, someone where conversations never get boring.  Someone who surprises you each day in a good way.”

Matt was silent for a moment before breaking a half smile.  “Sure, try and make me into the bad guy.”

“I never said that.  I just think your theorem is flawed.”

“Why do you have to be married,” asked Matt.  “Do you have any cousins as cool as you that I don’t know about?”

“Because if I wasn’t married, I’d be doing a dissertation of my own – one that involves why men think the way they do.  I think you alone would be enough to get me published and tenured at Harvard or some other prestigious university.”

Matt laughed as both took a sip of their beverages.

“So, I have another completely unrelated theory,” said Matt looking at Mindy’s extravagant drink.  I think the coffee shops of today are a shallow replacement for the soda jerk shops of the ‘50’s.  I mean look at that drink.  It’s basically a milk shake with caffeine and adequacy issues compared to it’s elder relative the malt.”

Mindy chuckled, taking an extra big swig of her decadent beverage.

Geekend

“You can’t be serious.”

“Don’t tell me you never gave it any thought?”

“No, I really haven’t.  Is this the kind of thing that keeps you up nights?”

Scott ignored the question.  “Look, you’re the Emperor.  You’re trying to complete a new military base to fight off a a small group of insurgents, and you’re already short staffed.  You have a group of soldiers on a planet below you that are there to protect the force field which, in turn protects your ship.  Why are you equipping these soldiers with a speeders which will no doubt cause a huge causality rate?  Seriously, those things are more dangerous then the people you are fighting.  I’ll bet they had about 30 storm troopers a week who were killed or injured because they ran into something with their speeder.  Think how that depletes your work force.”

“Come on.  They’re the equivalent of  a motorcycle in the Star Wars realm.”

“Motorcycles aren’t used to go a couple hundred miles an hour over wooded terrain.  When the stupid little teddy bear stoled one, the acceleration force was enough to lift his body off the speeder.  Motorcycles are used on roads where you don’t have to worry about a low branch decapitating you if your reactions aren’t quick enough.”

Ashley shook his head in annoyance.   “They were probably familiar with the terrain.  They had no reason to deviate from the paths that had been created over time until some rebel scum attacked them.”

Josh, who had been silent for most of the conversation, finally pipped in “Why do I feel like I’m watching ‘Clerk’s'?  You two should be in black and white.  It doesn’t matter anyway, ‘Serenity’ is going to kick the ass of all the new Star Wars movies.”

“So why have you been sitting in line with us for the last 4 hours to see Episode 3?” asked Ashley.

“Wanted to see the culture first hand” proclaimed Josh, motioning to the two impeccable replicas of Imperial Guard standing in line behind them.  “Besides, this being the last Star Wars opening night ever, how else was I supposed to earn my Geek merit badge?”

Ashley pulled a Mountain Dew from his pocket, and popped the top as two large men with light sabers fought their way past the line.  “You notice there are no three hundred pound Jedi’s in the Star Wars universe; why do all three hundred pound people in real life feel the need to dress like Jedi’s?”

“Yea, what happened to the cute girl in the Leia Slave-girl outfit?” asked Josh.  “ I could use me one of those.”

“She’d be better then Sally.  Have we mentioned how glad we are to have you back from her clutches?  She never would have let you come today.  She never let you do anything fun!”

“Yea, at least you know this chick would like the same things you do” Scott chimed in.

“So what’s the plan for the weekend?” asked Josh, changing the subject.  “I have to work until noon tomorrow, but I’m free after that, and off Friday.”

“We’re catching the noon show tomorrow on the Ultra Screen, then hitting Toys ‘R’ Us to pick up some of the new action figures.  You can meet us for lunch at the Noodles by the theater if you want to join us.”

“Sounds good.  I have to hit the gym after work, but then I’ll catch up with you there.  What time are we playing Halo on Friday?”

Scott stood up from his chair to stretch.  “Julie’s heading to her mom’s at two, so I figured we’d get together around four, order ‘za, and play until we can’t keep our eyes open anymore.”

“Sounds good.  I ‘m doing a Warcraft raid in the morning with some of my friends from back home, so afternoon until morning works for me.”  proclaimed Ashley.  “Have we found any more players yet to join us?  Three just doesn’t work well.”

“Everyone’s out of town or has plans for the weekend.”  chimed Scott.  “Josh, you able to come up with anyone?”

Josh shrugged his shoulders in his chair.  “Hey, Imperial Guard.  Either or both of you up for playing some Halo Friday afternoon?”

The two strangers behind them looked at each other, shrugged, and nodded in an approving fashion.  A mechanically altered voice came out of the helmet “Mind if I bring my my little brother?”

Josh looked at Scott.  “That would make six.  We have two TV’s and Xboxes.”

Scott looked back with a gleam in his eye.  “Yea, sweet, I love fresh meet.  Annihilating just you two every time gets boring after a while.”

Ashley stood up, grabbing his chair.  “You better hurry up and give them your info Scott, it looks like they’re getting ready to open the doors”

Read the rest of the story here. (look for the Imperial Guard to continue)

A Bottle and a Memory

He sat motionless in the corner.  The coordination required to hold the bottle of whiskey was gone, so it sat next to him on the floor.  His fingers  caressed the glass, his wrist ready to damper the pain at a moments notice.

He listened to the sound of his heartbeat.  Thu-thump.  How could it continue to beat when it was broke?  At least it processed the alcohol through his body.  He occasionally wished the beating would stop, but realized that would solve nothing.

Thu-thump.

It had been three days since she left.  Three days of booze and endless unanswered questions.  Three days of pain so immense that this was his only recourse.  He never thought this ending was possible.

Weeks earlier they were discussing marriage and family.  He thought he would be spending the rest of his life with her.  He assumed it was true love, something that would last.

He thought wrong.

Thu-thump.

She informed him that their love had faded.  That she wasn’t sure if she ever really loved him.  She did not mention anyone else.  There was no need; he knew.  Maybe he knew for a while somewhere in his mind.  Unfortunately, the message never made its way to his heart until now.

Thu-thump.

He caressed the bottle of Jim Beam; rubbing his fingers over the label the way he used to over her thighs.  Squeezing it, pulling it close like he once did with her body.  Bringing it to his lips, his tongue circled the opening.   Slowly he raised his hand over his head.  Tilting back, he provided an inlet for the cure.

The bottle nearly toppled over when it crashed back down to the floor.  While it tipped, not a precious drop of memory remover spilled.

Thu-thump

The current of her memories flowed stronger than the whiskey.  Every moment from the past six months replayed in his head.  The cafe where they first met and he eventually gathered the nerve to ask her out.  Their first date at the museum.  Their first night together.  The trip they took to Seattle.  Every moment passed before his eyes.

Thu-thump

Why did his heart continue to taunt him?  Why did it have to beat so loudly, remind him that he was still there; still alive?  Still able to feel.  It mealy reminded him that life goes on, but the pain served as enough of an indication.

He knew he would move past this feeling.  Eventually he would meet another woman, ask her out, and most likely end up back in the corner with a bottle again.  But maybe next time would be different.  Maybe he would find someone that wanted to spend her life with him.  Settle down, start a family.  Grow old and gray together, so he would never return to this place.

But that was not now.  That was someplace far in the future.  Long past this bottle of Beam, and probably one or two more.  Past the inevitable one-night stand and the counseling and support of his friends.  That would be another life, and right now he was stuck in this one.

Stuck here with a bottle and a memory.

Thu-thump

The Candle

The erratic soft glow of the flickering candle gave the small room an uneasy hue. It was a forgone conclusion that the light would soon be replaced by darkness as the candle as the candle clung to life amidst the miniscule amount of wax that had not dripped quietly to the floor. As the light from the candle flickered, so did the life in Julie’s eyes. Her blood dripped to the floor in perfect rhythm with the candle.

Once, Julie was like the candle, aglow with hopes and dreams, bright, and with a shining future that lay ahead. She met a girl named Robin who would over time become her friend and lover. The two did everything together, and in Julie’s mind, they had melted into one.

Then one day, a day like any other, Robin was taken from Julie in a tragic car accident. Julie felt as though the flame inside her had been suffocated. The thing that motivated Julie, the one person who gave her life meaning and purpose was gone forever

Julie was strong, and attempted to resume her normal life without her one true love and the person who meant the entire world to her. But for all that Julie tried, the immense pain would not leave, and instead seemed to fester and grow stronger. Julie’s whole body was consumed by a void that left her life in this world cold and meaningless. No price was too high for her to rejoin her love and reignight the spark that once was. With the click of the metal flint, and a short burst of flame, the end was the beginning. Now, as the candle flickers for the last time, so do the memories of Julie’s life and all that she has done and will never do.

Then there was darkness

Somewhere, the flame burns eternally.

The biggie is Valentine’s Day — a day to celebrate a certain four-letter word.  Whether it is love, lust or just a good-old fashion infatuation, Valentine’s Day is the holiday for couples around the world.

Those that follow me on Facebook or Twitter know that I’ve been in a silly and romantic mood as of late.  Rather than waiting for it to pass like indigestion, I’ve decided to use my mood to create.  This is where the idea for February Writing Lust derived.

Between now and that magical February 14 day, I plan to post at least one story per day about the emotions most associated with relationships.  Not all will involve love or be happy.

There are three main topic groups of writing.  They are:

Love Songs.  Taking a song about love and writing a narrative around it.  Thanks to those that suggested songs other than the ones that have polluted my brain for the past couple weeks.

Love letters.  Short to medium-length stories about love, lust and sex.  Not all will be rated PG, as I live in an R-rated world.

Love bytes.  The miscellaneous category.  Not sure what I’ll toss out here (poetry, facts, etc), but it’s nice to have a catchall for anything else that strikes my fancy.

Some will be long, other short.  Some may be converted to PDF to accommodate the length.  Some will be older items I’ve written in the past, while most are fresh from my demented mind.

So check back tomorrow for the first installment of Writing Lust.

Photo courtesy of National Geographic.